Last fall, I joined the elite group of women we revere and call 'mothers.' And for the last four months I have been doing the absolute best I can with what I have.
There are a few things that I must admit. One, the children I will conceive, bear and raise will not grow up in the world that I grew up in, or the world of my parents. And Two, that in some ways... I have elected to be a single mother.
Most of the times when people discuss 'elective single motherhood' they are referring to successful, unmarried business and academic women who perhaps after not finding a suitable suitor still would like to experience the miracle of childbirth and parenting. These women, without the help of a partner, are electing to be great moms in spite of societal norms.
But is this really electing? Is it really a choice?
The first time I realized that I was 'choosing' to be a single mother was the day I experienced my first prenatal ultrasound. On my mother's birthday, I went to the hospital alone to discover the gender of my growing child. The four weeks prior to my mother's birth date, I was ecstatic from anticipation. My mother's first born was a boy and I always loved the idea and experience of older brothers. However, my mother always wanted to have a daughter -- and I can understand the absolute pleasure of a woman raising a young girl into a woman.
But when I laid on the table, the only emotion I actually experienced was grief. The day that I thought would be the most beautiful day of my pregnancy, ended up being the most trying. Approximately four months into my pregnancy, that was the first day that a husband actually truly felt absent.
The only thing I could think... is no woman would really want to do this alone.
Four and a half months later, I gave birth at home, laboring both in a pool of warm water and in a bed. My labor was perfect and it was the happiest day in the world. And aside from a week of post-pardem depression, the experience of motherhood has been the most gratifying thing I have ever experienced in my life.
Do I think fathers are important? I think they are invaluable. Especially fathers in the Black community...
Do I like being a single mother? Of course not. After viewing my daughter's ultrasound... I have experience after experience of, "You know, this was not meant to be experienced alone."
Now that I am the mother of an infant, would I bear other children (perhaps through sperm donation) or via adoption? Yes... I definitely would. But, even so... I would never call it 'elective'. And I'd be surprised to meet any person male or female who would want to go at it alone.
